1. The Movie Theater

     


       I was sixteen when I got my first job working for a movie theater in Columbus. My sister worked at a different location, and she, by being an amazing, hilarious person, pretty much guaranteed me the job, even though I was very shy during my interview and had zero job experience. Likely as the result of a meticulous chore system delegated by my mom and fastidious snow-shoveling directed by my dad, I developed a strong, healthy work ethic, as well as a love-hate relationship with authority figures.

      I started as a ticket taker, probably the most monotonous job there. "Theatre three, to the left," rip. "Theater eleven, to the right," rip. All. Fucking. Night. Could be considered as a means of torture.

       Next, I was trained in concessions, my least favorite position at that place. Dealing with mostly fine people, sprinkled with assholes and the opportunity to see a variety of relationship dynamics. Lots of long lines, obese America, "the customer is always right" mentality of consumers, Hell. The only fun part was the free food and the fun happening backstage: breaking boxes, dancing with mops, "Power Thrust" superhero jumps, practicing taking shots using the disgusting soda water tap. Good times were had, and mad times were had.

       I graduated to ticket sales. The downsides to this job included constant bombardment from customers, distant location from a bathroom, and that time I had to touch a damp twenty a large woman grabbed from under her titty. At this particular theater, the ticket booth was located an escalator away from the actual theaters, so there was a considerable distance from the chaos that is the concession stand. On slow nights we could hang out and bullshit, but there was always a risk that you would be called to help the concession stand or ushers. Overall, an average job.

       My favorite job there was ushering. Ushering was terrible in some regards, but was my favorite position at this place. Ushers clean theaters after the movie lets out, tells loud people to kindly shut the fuck up, checks tickets for the busiest movies, and walks around with a broom and dustpan sweeping up all the popcorn people drop all over the place. There were many fun perks about this job: lots of downtime, access to a large corridor that deliveries would come through (I spent so much time back there just bullshitting), a certain degree of independence, and access to the last five minutes and credits of every movie in theaters at the time. I first learned about the Washington band Idiot Pilot as their song "Retina in the Sky"played during the credits to the first Transformers movie. Sometimes, there would be no tickets sold for a movie, and I would go in and climb on the back seats to bother the projectionist. The projectionists I worked with were weird, quiet, and beautiful. I was so curious about them but shy and intimidated by them.

        I was promoted to "Crew Lead" a few months after starting. Yes, a sixteen-year-old was a supervisor. You had a complaint? You talked to a sixteen-year-old. The sixteen-year-old could resolve your issues or be your little punching bag. I was middleman between the managers and the rest of the crew. I enjoyed a lot of freedom while there, but worked all the time. I'd go to school at 7, leave around 2:30, and work at the theatre from 3:30-11:30. It sucked but I made and saved up so much money, which would end up being spent on coke and pills within the next two years. So much for the hard work.

       The greatest times were had behind the scenes: destroying cardboard boxes, delivery hallway shenanigans, broom duels, dance moves, and the "Power Thrust" jump move my friend and I perfected (a picture of which I have somewhere, and I'll upload it if and when I find it) were just a few of them. I also dated my manager, but that's another story for another time.

Just one example of the many shenanigans that ensued.

       Aside from the work ethic and character-building that I took away from this job, I also took away something a manager said to me. He talked about how we have to have all the lights on the stairs working so that if someone falls, they couldn't sue us. "But," he said, "this is a billion dollar company. We have way more money to spend on a lawyer than anyone who comes into this theatre. We would be fine."

       My first taste of the American job market. I worked there for about a year, after which I applied to work at a Kroger that a friend worked at as well.